Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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