My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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