i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
