you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
