made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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