Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
