I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
