I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize