I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There are leaves in my underwear?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
