I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
