I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
