you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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