Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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