apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
