Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
