I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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