I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
