You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
