What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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