oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
