yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
