Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We don't watch enough power rangers
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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