Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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