Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
