the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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