I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize