i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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