Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
