My balls are so social today.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
