I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
