do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize