I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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