He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sext me about skeletons
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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