if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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