Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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