You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
