Your tits are I can't wait for
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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