Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize