dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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