if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
