I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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