If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
