he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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