i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
