I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
