I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
