I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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