It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
