I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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