Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize