I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
