Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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